They will say yes or no and you will figure something out. If I am up for company, I will invite you to come in, sit down. (My friend is a really good person and as close to a sibling as Ive got outside my actual family. Ive had people get upset with me before because if I am not expecting a visit/you have not called/you have not asked in advance, I straight up will not answer the door, period, end of sentence, unless it is an emergency of some kind. Would that be fine, too? I want to hang out, but Im not psychic! That is what constitutes the perfect level of family closeness in her mind, so that is how it has to be: Family is always happy to see you any time of day or night (no matter how much of a nightmare you are). A very important step to take here is to give him prior notice. I actually thought about the nude Brazilian implications but I couldnt figure out a way to phrase it that didnt include them. For me I think a lot of it is upbringing. If you were invited, youd already be invited. Like theres a huge difference between dropping by unannounced and saying something like Cable at my new place wont be hooked up till next week, can I watch Nurse Jackie with you at your house on Sunday? But navigating that kind of thing can be pretty tricky, and you do have to kind of gauge how close the friendship is and what the other persons preferences are before you say something like that. For example if Bob Alice Camille Davy et al all know that Bob and Gerry are going on their honeymoon starting on Friday, I will feel fine talking about the picnic on Saturday. The three weeks since I broke it off with him have been occupied with my brain trying to solve the puzzle of why someone would act this way towards another person. Often, when a guy invites you over, it could be because he is wanting to take the relationship to the next level and make a move. You may be right that she doesnt want as close a relationship, or she might just have a preference in this particular thing, as some people do. understanding whether the feeling counts in reality or doesnt exist Imagine you are friendly but not close friends with all of these people, and lets look at whats good inviting yourself and bad inviting yourself behavior. We were working adults with careers, although not particularly demanding ones. Im not the kind of person who would appreciate a random drop by. (And the good thing is you can be like Im going to be in the CBD today, who wants to get lunch? or can someone come visit me this week and Ill make cookies, studyings driving me up the wall.). Ill text you early next week and we can set something up., Them: I never get to see you. 1600, masturbate to porn; 1630, cleanup; 1700, SO arrives. So if any of the people they had carefully arranged in their schedule/chessboard had the temerity to break pattern and show up early or try to clean under the bed or anything that threatened to bring the two sides of their lives together theyd explode with rageand since they couldnt talk about the actual cause of their anger, they often used bullshit nonsensical excuses, like, When you sweep for dustbunnies under the bed it implies you think Im a disgusting person. (Instead of: that is where I keep evidence about my affairs. Someone surprises me at work: delightful surprise that breaks up the tedium of the day. That said, its definitely geographically specific as well as individually; I can imagine that in a suburban neighborhood like the one my parents live in, where street parking is free and widely available, parking and coming inside might be a nice thing to do (although its definitely not expected! This is all excellent. 2. You: There is a court at my place. Asking first is the best policy, and it sounds like youre doing exactly that, so carry on with your rad self! And Ill send that message a week or two in advance. Intimacy and connection with other people means putting yourself out there, taking risks, and sometimes making mistakes. I didn't mean for it to come across as an invitation. Definitely not specifically British; my knowledge is patchy, but I know of no place in either Canada or the States where it is assumed to be broadly okay to interrupt people at work. I never knew how long the visit would be. So, if you dont want to come on too strong or you feel shy to do it, use these little tips to indicate to him that you want some private time bonding. She made it to the wedding, informed me the night before she was supposed to arrive at my house that she would be staying with someone else, and left the wedding early. Architecture and city planning has a lot to do with it; I cant imagine it happening in suburbs where houses are widely-spaced and hard to travel between. The joy I get out of hostessing is why I do it. Dont even start playing that game you wanted to play, or reading that book youre reading, because god forbid youre in the middle of something when someone arrives! I love playing host, its true, but I use that phrase consciouslyplaying host. Its a role that I choose to put on, and it is not one that I would expect (or want!) I know that shame cleaning exists and I am not trying to make anyone feel bad or shamed and I apologize if I did that. Thats just me though and I appreciate its different for everyone. I live in a city apartment, so I certainly dont expect somebody to park, get me to buzz them in, and climb stairs or ride the elevator to my floor to meet me. Or maybe I just had other plans for the next hour and now Im going to be behind on the day. Sometimes, the people issuing invitations have just screwed up. Please do not copy, reproduce, or translate any articles without permission. If its an emergency situation or a hey I remembered that I borrowed this from you or that you wanted to borrow this so I thought Id drop it off and then get back on my way Im ok with it. Look, there's a good chance if she's agreed to come over, you'll end up in bed together, and the last thing you want is to bring her into a lair of disarray. I told another one of these people, its a small place, there isnt enough room for everyone to sleep, and they offered to rent an RV and park it in the yard! And it started out just being ok for his and mine going oh hey I dont stress about this as much. In another occasion, K told me we should hang out at my other friend, N's, house, without even asking N permission to be there. There have been many fine comments in this thread that have gently pointed out that some people might not care to be visited at work, without throwing judgmental labels around. But I still want you to ask first, not so much in case the answer is no (though there will be that 1% of the time Im feeling all prickly), but so that I have sufficient mental space to put down whatever I was doing rather than getting surprised by having something else suddenly demanding my attention. I live in a neighbourhood with a culture like thisit was built about a century ago and gets a lot of foot traffic, and many people stop and chat on their stoops or run in and out of each others yards. YES. If youre going to Drop by dont plan to be here for more than 10 minutes. Often the person will say oh keep doing what youre doing, I wont be a bother but having somebody else in my house is not relaxing or conducive to me doing things I was in the middle of doing. I had thought about naked secrecy ( another poster), but he did shower at night as a rule. The organizer may also be inconvenienced by someone who invites themselves. Not saying its bad if you are closer friends with Chip compared to Dale, but Id say one of the key points of friendship is showing your friends that you like them and want to spend time with them. Maybe he honestly was en route to shower with rubber duckie and towel, but, well. My mums completely different. Yes! Ideally you've got lots of other stuff going on in your social life, so you have this attitude naturally. For many of the situations below it was generally agreed you shouldn't invite yourself along: A big factor in whether inviting yourself may be acceptable are the traits of the person putting the outing together, as well as the other people who are attending: There's no real trick to asking if you can come along to a get together. Eventually the pursued individual just grows weary of all the unwanted attention, and starts responding sharply (if they respond at all) when the other person wont gracefully take the hint and back off. We both think its only healthy for people in a relationship to have separate social lives as well as social things they do together were not joined at the hip. I say this, and I am a pretty easy-going person about not being invited to things. Where I grew up there was an open door culture. that may just be me, i guess. Home vs. work,surprise! vs. planned, andyou inviting yourself vs. her inviting you,speak to escalating levels of intimacy. My son and T still play with each other every day. one of the best things about the living room couch in my current house is that I can skulk in the corner and pretend I am not at home if I dont feel like answering the door, and I am literally impossible to see from outside the house. She also loves scheduling my time and making commitments and assigning work for me without asking first. I really appreciate that she brought it up later on (she was super nervous about doing so, but stuck to her guns) and told me politely that she really wasnt a fan of unannounced visits. I would suggest you ask in a casual, friendly, "no pressure" tone. You feel ratty, harassed, and youre frantically trying to make it look as if you do pay more than rudimentary attention to the housework if only to stave of questions about whether youre coping. And I would probably stop initiating other kinds of hangouts (or at least do so less frequently) to see whether the friend really wanted us to keep being friends or if they were trying to naturally drift apart. Are you going to start showing up at my home when I was counting on alone time and I look like a raggedy doofus because Im wearing an old tank top and a sports bra? Its shame cleaning for me, because although I have battled my way out of squalor, my day-to-day living situation is still a good few degrees below what most people consider lived-in levels of clutter. Theres too often that one person who will take such a phrase as permission to mentally or even openly label you as socially inept and start treating you with less respect or discounting your opinions about social things. i have had that used on me enough by a gaslighty ex that i break out in hives when i hear it. I would have a lot less anxiety about visitors if I could trust people to listen to what Im asking them to do in my home, whether thats taking shoes off by the door or sitting the fuck down when asked to. Like . *Maybe* they came in super quick to pee because they were on a long hike across the neighborhood, but that was it. I may be doing nude dancing. If you can learn to be a bit easygoing about this, you will come across as a very relaxed, chill dude [person] who is not afraid to ask someone out [take the lead socially] but who doesnt hold on too tightly. Either she isnt interested in the friendship, in which case you pulling back will make everything easier and less painful for both of you, or she does want to be friends but minus surprise visits, in which case you are giving her space to reach out and make the kind of plans with you that she would actually enjoy. Re: Purple0 (sorry nesting fail) noticing the feeling Asking a little in advance gives me a chance to refuse if Im busy or say yes enthusiastically (and shame-clean) if Im not. Commitments and assigning work for me I think a lot of it not... Just being ok for his and mine going oh hey I dont stress about this as much,. Important step to take here is to give him prior notice why I it. See you give him prior notice out, but, well he did shower at night as a rule week... 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